Gwyneth Paltrow Is Perfect

Sometimes I think Gwyneth Paltrow is just saying this stuff to get a rise out of people.
The Oscar winner receives a lot of flack for her holier-than-thou comments about following an organic skincare regimen, her insistence on $60 olive oil, her can't-live-without in-home pizza oven, her naming her first-born child after fruit. And then she goes and gives us more ammunition.

In the March issue of Harper's Bazaar, the 39-year-old mom of two shares more than you'd ever want to know about her diet, explaining she's currently on a 12-week detox program. "I have a lot of inflammation in my system, so I'm not having anything I'm allergic to -- no gluten, no dairy, no sugar," she shares. Why? "I'll wake up exhausted; I can feel my adrenal cortex being really high. When I get into bed, my heart will pound, my skin won't be good, I'll feel cranky, and then I'll just know it's time."

So.the lovely Paltrow is either so out of touch she's expecting the rest of us to nod along and share quips about our own adrenal cortexes, or, well, maybe she's just faking it. Trying to fool us all with this over-the-top character she's created, a sort of clean-living Andrew Dice Clay.

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And one who claims to be happy with her wrinkles … not that we can see them, of course.

"I don't like the Botox thing," she says. The wife of Coldplay rocker Chris Martin does however, confess to doing "little things, like lasers" and getting regular facials, often with London-based facialist Vaishaly Patel, who, I might mention, charges 250 British pounds per 55-minute session according to the clinic's website, which comes out to $393, or about $7 per minute. But who's counting?

One thing Paltrow is counting, however, is children. The self-described hands-on mother (does any woman ever describe herself as a hands-off mom, actually?) to 7-year-old Apple and 5-year-old Moses, says that while she's "focused, precise, and hardworking" -- including when it comes to parenthood -- she may be passing on having any more children. The daily school run she explains, is "such a f***ing drag. The other day, I was saying to Chris, 'The window's closing. Do we want to have another baby? I don't think we do, but let's just have the discussion,' and he said, 'We can have another baby, but you realize you'll be doing the school run until you're 58.' I said, 'Let's just not! We're good!'"

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It's moments like these during the interview, when Gwyneth becomes a little more human. Like when she insists she eats whatever she wants when she's not detoxing, like bread (mmm!) cheese (yum!), even wine (yay!). But just a few lines later, when giving examples of what she actually consumes in a given day, it all comes crashing down. "I'll have a smoothie before [I take the kids to school], with protein and almond milk, and coconut water while I'm working out, and usually a green juice afterward." Lunch "depends on how busy I am. A lot of times, I'll just have half an avocado with salad dressing or rice cakes and almond butter and fruit, but if I have some time, then I'll make a salad with protein or a turkey burger."

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And while we're on the subject, recipes for that turkey burger, recommendations on which almond butter to buy, and advice on how to choose the perfect organic avocado, can all be found on Paltrow's be-like-me website GOOP, which gets more than a million hits a month. Sure, some visitors might be eye-rollers like me, but many are Gwyneth fans who swear by all she has to share. The author of the Harper's Bazaar piece, it seems probably falls into the latter category. "Gwyneth's calm beauty is striking, as is her extraordinary discipline," she gushes. "As she falls naturally into yoga stretches during the course of the conversation, supple as a cat, you realize that this is a woman for whom working out has become essential.

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Yoga stretches during the course of the conversation? Meaning she couldn't get through the interview without popping a few good-for-your-posture poses? Gwyneth, you never disappoint.

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